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 sm_victories_sa - (cjel)
10:55pm 17/08/2010
cjel posting in small victories in fighting social anxiety
I got thrown for quite the loop this evening when my roommate/bf joined me in our evening plans, which involved making some pasta, eating, biking out to do some work, and a bit of homework/study together. Unfortunately, despite my careful planning, it seemed like I could do nothing right with him - I bought sauce ingredients specially that he didn't end up using; the salad I made he didn't want any of; I didn't serve enough sauce on the pasta for his liking; he finished first and I was feeling self-conscious so he cleared the table and put all the leftovers away; I'd gotten earbuds that weren't the right style and he said he doesn't like using them for biking anyway; I had trouble keeping up with him on our bikeride; he shut down my instigated water-fight when we got home; and finally I added something to our study time that he only did half of before putting the rest aside for another time 'cause he was wiped out.

So here's how all this made me feel: inferior and ashamed of myself. I admit that it threw off my self-confidence and each little thing stung noticeably - how easy is it to go out on a limb with someone and be rejected or corrected? - and I struggled tonight with that. However, I achieved a very important small victory and that's sitting down here at the end of the night, after all that, and seeing that while I feel a bit battered and bruised, I am still, in fact, intact. The world didn't end because I bought my bf a gift he didn't have a use for and food he didn't want to eat tonight, nor did it break my heart or invalidate my existence that he was too tired to play around with me or stay up to finish some study discussion. I'm actually tending towards realizing how proud I should be of myself that I put myself out there for the greater good of doing some thoughtful things and getting to know him better. It's tough stuff, but it turns out that I can do it, and I'm optimistic even now that as with all things, the more I do it, the easier it will get.
mood: determined
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